Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
