Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We named our party play list daddy issues
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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