Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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