I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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