some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
