The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
