just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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