Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
