my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
