Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Nicole vs. Life
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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