Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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