I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
