Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
