How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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