My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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