So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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