five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The air was thick with penises
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
