me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
