I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
