I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
