Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
