I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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