Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
