The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
