Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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