I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
