Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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