well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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