I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
