Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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