Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
