Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
