I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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