Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
