nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
