it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
