the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Randomize
