when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
