I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Can Purell be used as lube?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
