I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
