Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
