we're chasing vodka with high fives
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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