I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize