I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
