there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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