so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
