Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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