I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
