I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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