Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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