dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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