wanna go halves on a baby?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
