I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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