So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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