Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
