I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
