Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
